Star Wars, Anakin and Padme's Commentary
by sewardsfolly
Summary: Star Wars eps 4 through 6 events are the same, but made kind of exaggerated,funnier, and waaay shorter. What would Padme and Anakin say if they could watch the movies? They will be giving commentary throughout. Just for fun, not brilliant writing or anyth
1. Chapter 1

**Star Wars, Anakin and Padme's Commentary**

Star Wars eps 4-6 events are the same, but made kind of exaggerated/funnier, and waaay shorter. What would Padme and Anakin say if they could watch the movies? They will be giving commentary throughout. This is not supposed to be brilliant writing, just for fun.

_A.N._ I love star wars, I write dramatic fics too, this is just for fun. I love all the characters even though here I brutally make fun of them.

_ALSO:_ Bear with the beginning of this because upon reading it again I noticed that in my opinion it gets better in the middle and end, funnier. If you like the whole thing, then yay!

_Disclaimer:_ I don't own Star Wars and don't claim to. Let's continue.

**A New Hope**

A massive Imperial Star Destroyer and several Imperial fighters take an exorbitantly long amount of time to capture a tiny Rebel Ship.

Anakin: Why are ships less technologically advanced 20 years in the future?

Padme: Shh.

Leia puts information into R2 right in the middle of an open passageway that everyone can see. Then she gets captured.

Leia: Darth Vader, Only you could be so bold.

Anakin: She's hot.

Padme: That's your daughter!

Anakin: You're pregnant?

Padme: Shh.

Leia: I'm part of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan!

Vader: You are a member of the Rebel Alliance, and a traitor. Take her away!

Anakin: Whoever that guy in black is who's threatening our daughter, I'll kill him.

C-3PO and R2-D2 escape in a pod and the Imperial commander first ignores it because there are 'no life forms.' Vader is smart enough to think that information could be stowed on board, so they follow.

Anakin: Hey those are my droids! How did they get there? No one takes _my_ stuff.

Anakin gets really mad and possessive and force chokes his coffee mug until it breaks.

The droids get captured by fuzzy little Jawas, and are put in this room with a weird alien that looks like a Trash Can and a creepy bug-eyed one. They stop and get set out for sale.

Luke and Owen walk over to buy some droids.

Anakin: Who are they?

Padme: Anakin, that's your son and brother!

Anakin: Oh. Right.

They buy 3PO and R2.

Owen: Luke, clean up the droids before dinner.

Luke: (really whiny) But I was going in to Toshi Station to pick up some power converters!

Anakin: Luke's kind of a dork, why is Leia so much cooler?

Padme: Well you can hardly blame him; I mean Leia's a princess from Alderaan, Luke grew up on _Tatooine_.

Anakin glares at her.

Padme: I mean… um… just watch the movie.

Leia: (in R2's holo) Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!

Luke: I guess taking this restraining bolt off would be ok, you can't get very far. Even though you have wheels.

Anakin: Obi Wan! I wonder if he's still a Master on Coruscant?

C-3PO: R2 ran away! It's not my fault Sir Luke!

Luke: Let's wait til morning to get him. That way, he can get even _farther_ away!

They go out in the morning.

Luke: That might be our little R2 unit!

Suddenly, Sand People come and hit Luke over the head and throw his stuff around, but they don't take anything. What appears to be a wolf or something scares them off just by making noise. Then comes Obi Wan!

Luke: Ben?

Anakin: I wonder if Ben Kenobi is related to Obi Wan?

Padme: Poor Luke!

Luke: So you know Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Obi-Wan: Well of course I know him. He's me!

Anakin: Why did Obi-Wan age 40 years in 20 years?

Padme: Maybe he ages double or something.

Anakin: Only Sith Lords can do that, when they use Sith lightning. They age like 300 years.

Padme: How do you know that?

Anakin: Um, I don't, not at all, don't know any Sith.

Obi-Wan: I seem to have found the message!

Leia: (on the holo) You fought with my father in the clone wars!

Anakin: Yeah! We rocked, too.

Obi-Wan: Well, we better help her.

Luke: Oh by the way, you would know, what happened to my father?

Obi-Wan: A Young Jedi named Darth Vader betrayed and murdered your father.

Anakin and Padme: Gasp!

Anakin: That's that guy in black! I'll kill him before he kills me, I swear!

Padme: -hugs Anakin-

Obi Wan: Here's your father's light saber. You have to be a Jedi.

Luke: But I live here!

They go to the Jawas. They're all dead.

Obi Wan: Your family's going to be dead too, there's nothing you can do, you better come with me.

Luke checks.

Luke: Yep. I want to be a Jedi, like my father before me.

Anakin: Well, not _quite_ like me.

Padme: -rolls her eyes- Get over yourself.

They go to Mos Eisley. Obi wan mind tricks the storm troopers.

Luke: (Not at all catching on) Wow, we're lucky we got out of that, I thought we were dead.

Obi Wan: Right. Let's go into this bar.

Bartender: Get rid of that annoying droid God dammit.

Luke: Go outside and wait, alone, even though you are the droids the Emperor is looking for and the Storm Troopers are everywhere. We'll stay in here, both of us.

C-3PO: Of course Master Luke, I heartily agree with every word you say.

R2: Beep boop. (Translation: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.)

The droids leave.

Someone to Luke: He doesn't like you, neither do I.

Obi-Wan kills him with his light saber. Everyone stops bothering them.

Anakin: Yeah Obi-Wan! Yeah! No one can touch the Jedi, that's right.

Padme: -rolls her eyes-

Obi-Wan: So you'll help us?

Chewie: Rawwwr.

Obi-Wan: Luke, this is Chewbacca, first mate on a ship that might suit us.

They meet Han, and Han's really smug.

Obi-Wan: No Imperial entanglements.

Han: What, some kind of local trouble? Cuz I have really, _really_ important trouble that's _not_ local. And Oh, I need a lot of money.

Obi-Wan: Of course. 17,000.

Luke: (pouting) I could buy my own ship for that much (Han starts to talk) _and_ fly it.

Luke and Obi-Wan go to get ready. Han kills a bounty hunter. They run to the platform. A creepy guy with aviator goggles and a long nose makes funny noises into a com-link. Storm Troopers who outnumber them shoot at them but miss every time and Han manages to kill a handful even though he's one guy and has no armor on. The Millenium Falcon ('this is a piece of junk' Luke pouts) escapes.

Anakin: I don't like this Han guy. He's sketchy.

Padme: He seems perfectly charming to me!

Anakin: Hey!

Imperial: Damn! They got away, we needed those droids. Let's wait for an hour of the movie to do anything about it, because they went into hyperspace. We know how to do that, too, but we won't.

Inside the Imperial meeting:

Important Guy: We rule all, no one can touch us!

Other Important Guy: Don't be so sure.

Vader and Moff Tarkin enter.

Important Guy: Ultimate Power!

Vader: No, the Force is better. Let me show you as I strangle you through the air.

Important Guy: gag!

Moff Tarkin: Vader, release him, you've got to stop this or we'll have no one left.

Vader: As you Wish.

Important Guy: So um, we should kill Leia?

Tarkin: Let's ruin her planet first, and she'll tell us stuff. Then we can kill her.

Vader: yay!

Padme: Oh No!

Anakin: I'm going to hunt that guy down before he can kill me _and_ my daughter.

Padme: No we have to finish watching!

Anakin: Ok, after.

Tarkin: She'll never consciously betray the Republic!

Leia: I'll never consciously betray the Republic!

Tarkin: So we're going to blow up your planet.

Leia: Oh No! Dantooine, it sounds like Tatooine but its not! And that's where they are!

Tarkin: Aw, but I really wanted to destroy Alderaan! We'll do it anyway.

Leia: No!

Vader Makes her Watch.

Back to the Falcon. Luke is practicing with his light saber. He gets hit a lot of times with little blasts from the training orb thing.

Han: Ha, ha. I told you the Force is fake.

Anakin: I knew I didn't like that guy! Although, Luke does kind of suck. But yay that he wants to be like me!

Padme: He just started learning!

Anakin: I know.

Obi-Wan: Ahh! (He clutches his heart)

Luke: Did a bunch of people just die?

Obi-Wan: No, heartburn.

A minute goes by.

Obi-Wan: AHHHH! Now a bunch of people just died!

Han: Alderaan's gone! Help, I lost control of the ship! That 'small moon' is sucking us in! ahh!

Obi-Wan: (Really dramatic) That's no moon. It's a space station.

Han: Quick, let's smuggle ourselves in.

They get sucked in.

Vader: Go search the ship!

Every single guard leaves except for two, leaving the ship virtually unguarded. They hear blaster fire inside the ship, but willingly get on board when a mysterious voice asks them for help, now leaving the ship totally unguarded and getting killed. Luke and Han walk out as Storm Troopers, but Chewie, the droids, and Obi-Wan still are not disguised, but somehow they fool everyone and take over a little control room.

Obi-Wan: I'm going. You stay here.

Han: Aww, man!

Luke: The Princess is here! Let's go get her. We'll leave the droid carrying the rebellions only copy of the battle station plans right here, alone with this other droid. We'll put handcuffs on the wookie.

Han: Aw man!

Luke: Money!

Han: Ok! Come on Chewie.

They walk into the cellblocks, and kill everyone inside. Luke goes in to Leia's cell.

Leia: Aren't you a little short for a Storm Trooper?

Luke: Huh? Oh, the uniform. I'm Luke Skywalker; I'm here to rescue you.

Leia: Finally.

Han: I just go the attention of the whole station!

Luke: Dammit!

Leia: Everyone sucks but me. I have to do everything. Into the garbage shoot!

Chewie: -smells something bad-

Han: Ew!

Padme: Only Leia can ever do anything right!

Anakin: Obi-Wan! He will save them!

Luke gets sucked under by a weird creature. Then the creature goes away, because the walls are going to close in.

Han: Help, we'll all be pancakes!

Leia climbs up on to a metal pole.

Leia: This will help!

Luke: 3PO! 3PO! HELP US HELP HELP!

C3PO: We did it! Oh no they're dying!

Leia, Luke, Han: Yay! We're alive!

Leia hugs everyone.

Leia: Wait, I'm not supposed to be nice. Let's go, and get this big walking carpet out of my way.

Chewie: Rawwwr! (Translation: Hey, I'm a living creature with feelings and a passion for poetry, ok?)

Padme: That was close!

Anakin: (Turning back around, eating cheetos) What?

Imperial: Nothing on Dantooine!

Tarkin: She's far too trusty.

Imperial: Alert in Cell Block AA23!

Tarkin: The princess! All troops get them!

Tons of Storm Troopers chase Luke, Leia, Chewie, and Han. They all get separated, and yet the Imperial troops can't manage to kill two people at a time even though they severely outnumber them. Han turns around to chase about 20 Storm Troopers, and they all turn and run away from him even though He's one person with one gun and they are 20 people with 20 guns.

Luke: Let's swing across because they're coming through!

Leia: (kisses his cheek) Good luck!

Anakin: Do they know they're siblings?

Padme: No.

Anakin: This could get disturbing.

Padme: Let's put that thought far into the back of our brains for now.

Obi-Wan sneaks around and turns some knobs on some completely unguarded and unprotected pieces of equipment. This shuts the Death Star force field down completely. No one seems to care.

Luke and Leia meet up again with Han and Chewie.

Luke: 3PO! We're right above you.

Vader and Obi-Wan Face off.

Anakin: Yeah! Rock on! Now Obi-Wan can show that son-of-a-Sith what's up! He shouldn't mess with the Jedi. Sweet!

Padme: Why are you talking like that?

Anakin: I don't know.

After approximately two clashes of their light sabers, Obi Wan decides it is better for Luke to see him killed, and stops fighting.

Vader: I am the master!

He kills Obi-Wan, and Obi-Wan disappears.

Luke: Noooo!

Vader paws around with his foot, as if Obi-Wan's body is hiding under there.

Anakin: Wow, Obi-Wan used to be a lot better at fighting.

Luke: Noooo!

Everyone else runs on to the ship, as Luke stands there stupidly, yelling and alerting every storm trooper to their presence.

'Run, Luke, Run' comes Obi Wan's voice.

Anakin: Creepy. (He sips his coke).

Back on the ship, Leia rubs Luke's shoulder and puts a cloak over him. Luke's really sad about 'Ben's' death.

Padme: I really hope they find out they're related soon.

Luke and Han have to fight off some Tie Fighters.

Luke: Yay! I killed one, I did it! Wheee!

Han: Great, kid, don't get cocky!

Leia: Well, that's the pot calling the kettle black.

They kill them all and escape, and all run into the cockpit. Leia jumps around stupidly.

Leia: We did it! (She hugs Chewie, then regains her composure).

Han flirts with Leia.

Anakin: Oh no. Not him

Han: You think a princess, and a guy like me…

Luke: No. (Secret though: she's mine)

Anakin: You tell 'im Luke!

They meet the Rebels at the base.

General: We're going to attack the Death Star, using the information Princess Lee-a got from R2.

Leia: It's Leia dammit.

Dorky Pilot: Two fighters against a Star Destroyer (Said really slowly and weirdly)

Luke: We can do it! I've killed Womp Rats!

Wedge: Sweet (Secret Thought: Why was I friends with him again?)

Han: I'm leaving with my money.

Luke: I really thought you'd stay. (Gives Han his best really mean glare)

Leia: Dammit the only hot guy around is leaving.

Luke: R2!

Guy: Want a new droid?

Luke: No, This little R2 Unit and I have been through a lot together.

Guy: Um, ok. It's a machine, man.

Luke: Yay, I'm going up in space!

Leia: I'm really frustrated with everyone.

Anakin: I wonder if Luke's as good a pilot as me. I won a Pod Race when I was nine.

Padme: Anakin!

Anakin: Well, I did!

Padme: You don't have to compete with your own son.

Anakin: Shut up. I mean, I love you.

Back on the Imperial Base, they are preparing to shoot the Rebel Base on Yavin with the Death Star's weapon. Everyone's really angry because a group that consisted of four people and a wookie managed to cause complete chaos on the Death Star that is the size of a moon.

Computer: Rebel base will be in range in 30 minutes.

The numbers count down from 30 in seconds instead of minutes. The person at the computer terminal looks around hoping that no one sees this, and tries to cover it up.

Imperial: General Tarkin, there is a risk with these rebels coming. They could hurt us. Shall I prepare your ship?

Tarkin: What, evacuate, in our moment of triumph? Never! (Cackles meanly)

Imperial: All right, well I'm out of here.

The Rebel ships fly up and start attacking. Now the Rebel Base is in the Death Star's range in 8 minutes, even though it says 19 seconds. There are about 30 rebel ships, and a whole fleet of Imperials. Still, Rebels are killing Imperials like crazy and managing to stay alive. A Rebel pilot is hit. "I'm hit!" He yells, crashing into the Death Star. The Death star is jolted and Imperials begin a really dramatic falling act even though any normal person could have stood up through a slight tremor in the ground. They fall into the walls.

Back on Yavin, Leia and some other people are watching a screen with yellow and red triangles. The red keeps getting bigger. We assume this has something to do with the Death Star approaching.

Anakin and Padme: -Making out-

Padme: Maybe we should pay attention.

Anakin: Luke will handle it, no worries. Wait, there's the dude who kills me!

Vader: I'm going out to fight! Come with me!

Guys in Black suits with breathing tubes: Right!

Vader, seeming to have lost most of the skills Anakin had, manages to do next to nothing. He kills one guy, and also manages to notice that 'the Force is strong with this one.' Otherwise, he's useless.

'Use the Force Luke!' says Obi Wan's voice.

Luke goes in for the 'kill' and, looking really serious, puts his little targeting computer away.

Anakin: That so creeps me out.

Guy on Rebel Base (who's name I should know): Luke, you've put away your targeting computer. Are you all right?

Luke: Yes, I'm a Jedi, duh.

Yoda: (From Dagobah) Not until dealt with me you have, hahahaha.

Vader shoots at Luke and takes out R2, but the ship still flies. Suddenly, just when we think our hero is doomed, a blast hits Vader's ship and he goes flying off into space, twirling around!

Vader: I'm like a ballerina! Wheee!

Han: Yeah! Now the princess will _definitely_ sleep with me. I mean, Yeehaaa!

Anakin: Damn him!

Luke: Yeah!

Luke gets to the end of the ravine and shoots. The shots go in, and Luke gulps really loudly, because apparently he's been holding his breath this whole time.

Han: Nice shot kid, that was one in a million!

The Death Star Explodes in what (in the Special Edition) looks like a mushroom cloud.

Rebel Base: Yaaaaaay!

Luke and Han land, and Leia comes and nuzzles herself between them, but we can't see her because she's ten feet shorter. They walk away.

Anakin: Hey, he's touching Leia!

Padme: So's Luke!

Anakin: Ew!

Padme: They're just happy!

Anakin: Let's just hope she and Han don't 'get happier'

Padme: (Hitting him) Anakin!

R2 gets taken off; he's all busted up.

C-3PO: Oh no!

Guy: We'll fix him, jeez!

Suddenly, we see a hall full of hundreds of Rebels that apparently didn't exist until this moment, seeing as we only saw a handful of X-Wings up there and about two people on the base during the fight. Leia, back in full princess attire, smiles at everyone.

Luke and Han walk in, all smug, and everyone turns and stomps as they walk by.

Leia gives them medals. Her nostrils flare and she winks really 'slyly' at Han. Chewie growls, and everyone knows all will be well when R2 walks out fully functional again.

'Yaaaay!' Everyone cheers, Han and Luke think it's for them but really it's for R2.

Padme: Anakin, wake up, it's over!

Anakin: Oh, um, it was awesome! Yeah kids! So um, when were you going to tell me you're pregnant?

Padme: Um… I'm pregnant.

Anakin: Sweet. And do we yet have any idea why our children aren't living with us, because they'd be way cooler if we raised them. Especially Luke.

Padme: Nope, I guess we'll find out in the next one.

Anakin: There's more?

Padme: Yes and our children are the stars so you _will_ enjoy it. I"m so proud of them, yay!

Anakin: Ok, whatever you say.

Padme: Good.

The End! Love it, Hate it, let me know! This was just for fun, not trying to have made anything great or anything, definitely not great writing, I'm totally aware. Check out No Boundaries, my other fic (not advertising or anything) its romance/drama, better written, actually a good story and stuff.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Empire Strikes Back**

**A.N. **I'm really sorry for the long wait for the update, but this one is way longer and more detailed, I hope it's as funny I'm actually not sure it is… I think it's kind of too long, but for some reason Empire was a lot harder to just sort of skim, I kept feeling like there were parts I had to put in there… anyway, let me know what you think, I hope you enjoy it!

Luke and Han ride around on ridiculous creatures that die from the temperatures of their own environment. Suddenly, a 'meteor' crashes down close to Luke.

Luke: Han, ol' buddy ol' pal, I'm gonna go check out a meteorite! YAY!

Han: Copy, I'll see you back on base.

Suddenly, a big giant creature sneaks up on the Jedi, because for some reason he can't sense it AT all, and apparently the Tonton has better Jedi senses than Luke.

Luke: Eeee!

Anakin: What an idiot.

Padme: Anakin, be nice!

Anakin: Whatever.

Leia: Where's Lukey?

Han: He's not back yet?  
Leia: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING HIM, IM SO MAD!

Random guy: We have to close the doors.

Leia looks around, really serious and sad, to make Han feel really bad and think about what he did.

Han: (Really serious) I will have to be leaving soon, or Jabba is definitely going to kill me. (He stares right at Leia) I will be leaving soon. Very soon.

Leia: It will be sad to lose you, you're a good fighter. (Secret thought: damn he was hot, but so cocky)

Han: But you'll miss me because you love me.

Leia: Yes! As a pilot!

Han: Come on… (He motions at her with his finger) Come on…

Leia: What, where is it you want me to go?

Han: Admit you love me!

Leia: Um, not yet.

Han: Aw, Man! Can I at least get a goodbye kiss?

Leia: I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.

Han: I can arrange that! (Secret thought: Why does Chewy get all the girls?)

Han pouts.

Anakin: She better not get together with him.

Padme: She can make her own choices, Anakin.  
Anakin: No.

C-3PO: Just so you know, Artoo says that Luke will _probably_ die.

Leia: Um, why in Sith's name would you tell me that when I'm worried?

C-3PO: Well I mean, he _could_ be wrong ok, don't blame the messenger!

Luke is now stuck upside down with his feet frozen into the ice- how this happened in about ten minutes is beyond anyone's comprehension. He wakes up, and sees his light saber just conveniently out of reach. He concentrates really, really, really hard, to pull his light saber to him through the force, because even though he's apparently been learning to be a Jedi for quite some time now, he's not strong enough to just nonchalantly pull it to him like most Jedi can.

Luke: I rock! Yes! Oops, the creature.

He cuts through the ice and cuts off the creature's arm, and instead of killing it and hiding out in the warmth of its cave for the night, he stumbles off stupidly through an ice storm in the middle of the night. He begins to hallucinate and Obi Wan picks this time to talk to him.

Obi Wan: Go to Degobah, and Yoda can teach you. (Secret thought: Yes, I've washed my hands of that kid.)

Luke: Degobah! Ben! Ben! Ben!

Anakin: Why does he continue to call him Ben? It's Obi Wan, dammit! And why in Sith's name is Yoda on Degobah?

Luke continues to moan about Ben, and Han comes to save the day (Hans' secret thought: Who's Ben? Does Luke secretly have a boyfriend?)

Han: Ok pal, I'm gonna cut up the tonton.

He pulls out Luke's light saber, and suddenly feels really cool holding it. But he can't show it, because he's Han. He cuts it open.

Han: Ew! And I thought they smelled bad on the outside! Hehe I'm so funny.

The next morning, everyone comes out looking for them. Rogue 2 finds them.

Han: Nice of you to drop by!

Rogue 2 feels the need to repeat that it is indeed he who has found them about seventy times.

Rogue 2: Echo base, this is Rogue 2. This is Rogue 2, I've found them, repeat, I've found them. This is Rogue 2. Rogue 2, do you copy? This is Rogue 2, I've found them. Rogue 2.

Base: Shut up!

They get back to base and Luke is put in a tank of water in funny little underwear.

Leia: hehe!

Han: I'm checking out the 'meteorite' Luke found!

Leia: Sweet.

Han and Chewy go to hassle the droid.

Han: Take that!

Chewy: rawrr!

Droid: Time to blow up and get away from these idiots.

Han: IT SELF DESTRUCTED!

Leia, back on base, stares ahead of her really seriously until she is sure that everyone is paying attention to her.

Leia: ahem An Imperial Probe droid.

Man: It's a good bet the Empire knows we're here! (Secret thought: I'm so important!)

On Vader's ship, some officers notice the disturbance on Hoth and try really hard to pretend it didn't happen; knowing Vader would search there. They all try to suppress giggles as Vader approaches, because they think they are very clever for hiding it.

Vader: The rebels are there. Go.

Officer: My Lord-

Vader: GO THERE NOW!

Anakin: That guy is so unreasonable!

Leia, Han, Chewy, and the droids are visiting Luke in his medical room.

Han: Leia loves me Luke!

Leia: Why you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy looking, nerfherder!

Han: Who's scruffy looking?

Han pouts for a long time, brushing off the vest and boots that he had picked out of his favorite catalogue to look nice and put together. He didn't at all look scruffy, thank you very much.

Han: But you love me! You managed to keep me around.

Leia: I guess you don't know too much about women yet. I do because I am one. See what I can do?

Leia kisses Luke.

Anakin and Padme: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Anakin throws the coffee he is drinking into his eyes. He takes out his light saber to gouge them out, but Padme stops him, attempting to steal it and gouge out her own eyes. A struggle ensues, ending in the two of them lying face up on the floor, staring numbly at the ceiling. They both hyperventilate.

Leia stomps out dramatically, because she loves being dramatic.

Luke sits back with a weird look on his face, trying his hardest to be smug. He doesn't know what just happened, but thinks he must be really hot b/c the princess kissed him. Chewy laughs, Han finally got what was coming to him.

Han: Laugh it up fuzzball! (Trying to play it off and act cool) Take care of yourself.

Han pouts and stomps away.

Rebels: EVACUATE EVACUATE!

Leia tells a bunch of pilots what to do. No one really listens, and she pouts. Luke, having made a miraculously fast recovery, hops into a plane with Wedge. They fight the awkwardly built Imperial Walkers. Why any superpower as technologically advanced and intelligent as the Empire apparently is would build their 'tanks' with long, gangly legs- an extremely obvious vulnerability- is beyond any comprehension.

Luke: Go for the legs! I'm so clever…

Gunner: -dies-

Luke: Oh no!

Leia continues to give orders on base, trying very hard to make the point that she isn't going to evacuate until the very last second because she's so noble. Han comes to drag her away.

Man: The first transport is away!

Everyone says yay really stupidly, waving their hands around.

Leia: Do this and this and this!

Han pulls on her.

Leia: And this!  
Han pulls on her some more, and she gives in and runs off with him. They run awkwardly through the halls, with C-3PO following slowly and annoyingly behind. A bunch of ice falls on them, conveniently placed there by Han so he could fall on top of the princess. Surely she would love him if that happened, right?

Anakin: GET OFF MY DAUGHTER!  
Padme: It is getting _rather_ inappropriate…

Leia: Get off, freako!

Han: Sorry! (He brushes off his nice new vest)

They realize they can't make it to the transport (also part of Han's plan) so he has to take her on the Falcon. They get there and it's still broken.

Leia: (So smug) Would it help if I got out and pushed?

Han: It might! (Secret Thought: What a hot sight that would be!)

Finally, they take off, just as Vader stalks into the room.

Leia: One day I Really want to be around when you make a mistake. This line is very important because it comes up later, so remember it.

A small battle ensues, where fifty storm troopers and the man who is supposedly the most powerful entity in the galaxy save the emperor can't stop one ship with two people a wookie and a droid.

Han: wheeee!

Luke crashes and an Imperial Walker approaches and Luke gets out with the grenade like thing just in the nick of time, before the Walker crushes his poor dead gunner. Luke heroically attaches himself to a Walker and dangles there for a while, then throws in the grenade and disconnects, just as he sees the Falcon fly off and thinks he's doomed. Then comes R2 (R2's secret thought: I'm always saving this guy's ass…) to save the day.

Luke is now in space.

R2: beep beep (translation: Where the hell are we going, weirdo)

Luke: Haha, that's right, we're not going with the others you're so cute R2. We're going to the Degobah system!

R2: Sht.

Han battles with the star destroyers, but hyperspace is still broken!

Leia: (Really accusatory) No hyperspace?

Han makes a face at her and assures her he can outmaneuver them, which he actually does impeccably considering the entire Imperial fleet is facing him. An asteroid hits them.

Han: THAT'S NO LASER BLAST SOMETHING HIT US! Wait actually that's not such a bad thing, maybe…

Leia: You're not actually going _in_ to an asteroid field!

Han: They'd be crazy to follow us!

Anakin: Obi Wan did that once, he told me about it. When he went to Geonosis.

Padme: Pay attention Anakin.

Anakin: Sorry.

Vader sits in his chamber, and Admiral Piett approaches just in time to see his nasty head without the helmet on. Piett gulps, uncomfortable.

Piett: (thinking) Vader's actually a Person?

Vader: YES PIETT?

Piett: They've gone into an asteroid field! (He jumps around like a little girl, scared)

Vader: And…?

Piett: (Dancing around) What do we do? (He's very whiny)

Vader: Um, follow them.

Piett: -pouts-

The Imperial ships follow Han into the asteroid field.

Han: You said you wanted to see me make a mistake, this might be it.

Leia: I take it back! Sort of…

Han flies around really mysteriously, making sure that everyone realizes he's looking for something but only his brilliant intellect knows what.

Han: This will be perfect.

Leia: For what!

Han: I'm going to go in closer to one of the big ones.

3PO: Closer?  
Leia: CLOSER!

They go into the 'cave,' after a very exciting chase through the asteroid field.

Luke goes to Degobah. He crash-lands his ship, because he can't see.

Anakin: What an idiot, why doesn't he just program a landing pattern?

Padme: (Hitting his arm) Anakin!

Anakin: Look, all I have to say is, I landed half of a giant star cruiser on Coruscant, the most populated planet and the capital of the Republic, without hurting anyone, and he can't land a fighter because of some mist?

Padme rolls her eyes, but hugs Anakin's arm.

Padme: He's learning.

R2 falls in, and Luke hops in the water. Suddenly, a creature tries to eat R2, even though he's made of metal. Luke gets really worried, but the creature spits out the droid, realizing its metal. Luke sets up a camp.

Luke: Um, maybe coming here was a bad idea.

R2: No kidding! I mean, um… beep beep

Luke eats what can only be described as a stick of cardboard.

Luke: (_excruciatingly_ whiny) Oh Artoo, what are we doing heeeerrrre…

R2: Beep beep (translation: It was your freakin' idea!)

Back in Vader's ship, he's getting really excited because he's about to get to strangle someone.

Needa: Um, and then we lost them, I'm really really really really sorry!

Vader: FIND THEM!

Needa's hologram fades out before Vader can strangle him. Vader is really sad.

Piett: (meekly) Um, canyoucontacttheemperornow? (he runs away)

Back on the Falcon, Han is turning off all the lights. He says its because they need to shut off the power to repair it, but really its to create a romantic setting for him and Leia.

3PO: Do I have to get shut down too?

Han: No (Secret thought: I wish…) You have to talk to the Falcon.

Now Han and Leia are alone in the cabin. The ship lurches a few times, and they fall back and forth really dramatically and unnecessarily. Finally, at one big lurch, she falls into his arms. Leia secretly is enjoying it, but is waaay to proud to say that, so she pretends to be really mad.

Leia: Let go of me!

Han: Don't get excited. (Secret thought: Please do.)

Leia: Captain being held by you isn't quite enough to get me excited.

Han: Sorry princess…(he gets very surly) We haven't got time for anything else.

Padme: Inappropriate! I can't believe my children aren't even born yet and already I'm having to watch a scoundrel come on strongly to my daughter… especially with a dirty comment like that!

Anakin: (pouting) I don't get it!  
Padme rolls her eyes and whispers to him what Han was implying they _might_ do if they did have time. Anakin opens his eyes wide and suddenly the tv screen cracks as he gets very angry.

Padme: Calm down!  
Anakin: That is _not_ allowed to occur. I will make sure of it.

Padme: At least she's not infatuated with her brother anymore…

Anakin: True.

Luke: Ok little buddy, ready for some power?

He plugs in Artoo and sits there eating his cardboard stick.

Luke: What a weird place… still, there's something familiar about this place…

What is familiar about it to Luke we never learn, it is a forgotten storyline for the rest of the trilogy.

Luke: I feel… like we're being watched!

He turns around, really proud that he indeed was being watched.

Luke: Yay I'm getting better at the Force! Who are you weird creature, leave my dinner alone! Give me back that lamp!

Yoda has apparently gone insane during his stay on Degobah. The refined wiseness he had back at the temple is completely gone.

Yoda: hehe, a lamp! I never saw a light before, not all those times when I lived on Coruscant for 800 years! Wheeee! Oh, um, why are you here?

Luke: I'm looking for someone.

Yoda: Found someone you have! Tee hee!

Luke I'm looking for a Jedi, ok freako?

Yoda: Come have dinner with me, I'll take you to him. I mean, um, take you to him I will.

Luke agrees and goes into Yoda's house. He takes a bowl with a snake in it but does not hesitate to still eat out of the bowl.

Anakin: Padme Yoda's gone crazy! What is the galaxy coming to?

Padme: He's just older Anakin, maybe a little senile…  
Anakin: Eek!

Leia is 'working' very very hard at something on the Falcon. She likes to pretend she knows stuff about everything, so she thought she would try to fix the ship. Han walks in and sees the perfect opportunity, in these close quarters, to finally put the moves on Leia. He walks over and puts his arms around her, to 'help.' She elbows him really aggressively away.

Han: Ow! Easy your worship.

Leia: Would you please stop calling me that?

Han: (Most awkward line of all six movies) Sure, Leia. (He fumbles around trying to say her name because he has never actually said it before)

Leia pulls on a funny lever and hurts her hand. She sucks on it, hoping Han will get the hint. Han takes her hand and massages it, but Leia still pretends she doesn't like him

Anakin: Padme?

Padme turns to him, concerned.  
Anakin: I don't like where this is going.

Anakin covers his eyes.

Anakin: Will you tell me when it's over?

Padme: Yes sweetie, it's ok I'm here.

Anakin pouts and she pats him on the head.

Han kisses Leia's hand.

Leia: Stop.

Han: No.

Leia: Oh all right. But you're such a scoundrel!

Han: I think you like me because I'm a scoundrel.

He moves his lips awkwardly closer to hers.

Leia: I happen to like nice men.

Han: I'm nice.

He goes in to kiss her, but she won't freakin' stop talking.  
Leia: No you're not.

He kisses her, and they get pretty into it but 3PO comes to interrupt matters, as always.

Padme: -gasp-

Anakin: They kissed, didn't they?

Padme: Um… no?

Anakin: (understanding) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The house falls down on top of them because he's so angry.

Now Luke is eating with Yoda, really impatient.

Luke: (Whiny) I want to see Yoda nowwwww!

Yoda: Why do you want to be a Jedi?  
Luke: To be like daddy!  
Yoda: (Secret thought: Oh sht) Um, cool, he was great.

Anakin: awww, I like Luke now! And that's right, I rock!

Luke: How do you know my father? How do you know me? GET ME OUT OF HERE!  
Yoda: (suddenly staring intently at nothing whatsoever) I cannot teach him.

Obi-Wan: (Oh, he's talking to Obi Wan, who's voice creepily comes from nowhere) You better.

Yoda: No patience!

Obi-Wan: Was I any different, when you taught me?

Why he asks this is unclear, because Qui Gon was his master and not Yoda.

Yoda: Anger in him, like his father.

Anakin: I'm not angry! Dammit, I'm not angry why the hell would you say something like that?

A ship up in space over Anakin's head explodes.

Luke: Yoda! (he's _really_ surprised, as if he didn't see it coming.)

Yoda: He's also pretty stupid, Obi Wan.

Obi Wan: Oh just train him.

Luke: I'm ready. I promise! I'm not scared!

Yoda: (trying to be really scary, even though he's a two foot tall green puppet) You will be. You will be.

Anakin: Why would he not want to train Luke? And I still don't get why the Jedi aren't on Coruscant and why Luke wasn't trained from birth…

Padme: I guess we'll find out!

Vader is now talking to the emperor.

Vader: What is thy bidding, my master?

Emperor: We have a new enemy. Luke Skywalker.

Anakin: That guy sounds a _lot_ like Chancellor Palpatine.  
Padme: But his face is all creepy…

Vader: I know.

Emperor: The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi.

He speaks in a riddle like this because we absolutely can't get any hint yet that Vader's Luke's father. It would be a lot easier to just say, "Your son can't be a Jedi." But no.

Vader: He could be a powerful ally?

Emperor: Um, yeah ok. See if you can do it.

Vader: Yeah ok. He will um… (Secret thought: think of something ominous… ominous…) He will join us, or die Master. (Yeah!)

Back to the Falcon. Leia sits alone, dramatically as always, thinking about the situation, Suddenly, a mynoch attaches itself to the ship.

Leia: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
She screams very high-pitched and waves her arms about. Han comes to see. They all run out to check it out, and the terrain is yucky and squishy. Chewy growls. Suddenly, Han realizes what's up, but doesn't tell anyone so he can be really dramatic.

Han: We're leaving now! (They fly away)

Leia: But the Empire is still out there!

Han: There is no time to discuss this with the committee.

Leia: I am NOT a committee!

(A.N. that's one of my favorite lines in all six, so I'm not messing with it)

They take off.

Leia: (Stupidly) The cave is collapsing!

Even though the 'cave' blatantly has teeth.

Han: (Really dramatic) This is no cave!

It's a creature! Eek!

Back on Degobah, Luke is training. He's really proud of the muscles he has now. They got really big, he thinks. Yoda's in a little pouch on Luke's back, and he runs around, jumping importantly over things. He does things like lift rocks, then R2 beeps because the ship is sinking and Luke drops everything and Yoda falls.

Luke: Fooey! We'll never get it out now!

Yoda: With the Force!  
Luke: No way, it's impossible!

Anakin: Luke really doesn't get the concept…

Padme: He's just now learning Anakin! Be patient! Isn't that an important Jedi trait or something?  
Anakin: Who knows.

Luke: Ok, I'll try.

Yoda: No! no try! Do, or do not. There is no try.

Luke: What? But it's too big!

Yoda: Size matters not. (The audience wonders what he's _really_ talking about here…)  
Luke tries and the ship only sinks farther into the water.

Luke: (pouting) You ask the impossible.

R2 beeps. (Secret Thought: Great, he screwed up our only way out of here. Classic.)

Yoda then lifts his hand and pulls the ship out of the water with the Force. Luke stares at him, amazed, but then gets all Skywalkery and defiant.

Luke: I don't believe it.

Yoda: That is why you fail… dramatic, I love being!

Back on Vader's ship, there are a bunch of bounty hunters lined up. Good old Boba Fett is with them!

Vader: Bring me the damned Millennium Falcon passengers, my own stupid men failed so I had to call you in. There will be a reward, but I want them alive!

Piett: (Excited that he has done something good, waiting for a cookie from Vader) My Lord, we have them!

The space chase continues, and Han still manages to outmaneuver the entire Empire.

Han: Light speed time, yesss!

The light speed, of course, fails, because that's what this movie is all about apparently.

Han: (Suddenly extremely worried) It's not my fault!

Leia: Everyone is really incapable of accomplishing anything except for me.

Han then has a brilliant idea, and turns around towards the ships. The Empire puts their shields up, instead of just destroying the Falcon. Then Han disappears! What has he done, we wonder?

Needa: I am responsible. (Even though it clearly was many people's faults) Bye, I'm gonna go get killed by Vader now.

Anakin: That was cool. I'm actually starting to like Han.

Padme: I'm not sure I like him anymore. He flies like you.

Anakin: What's that supposed to mean?

Padme: I'm not sure…

Luke: Is the dark side stronger?

Yoda: No, just easier.

Luke: Oh ok.

Yoda: (to himself) yes, he's way wimpier than his father.

Needa: Um… I'm really so sorry Lord Vader sir.

Vader kills him.

Needa: -choke choke choke… die-

Piett: Cool I got promoted! Um… we'll find them sir! Please don't kill me next…

The Falcon is now attached to the Star Destroyer.

Leia: How do we get out of this?

Han: Well, soon they let out the garbage, and then we just… float away! See, I am smart some of the time.

Leia: (Kisses his cheek, liking him now that he's proven his intellectual side) Hmm, you've had a moment.

They do indeed float away with the trash, and then they're safe!

Han: We've got to get fixed up… oooh Lando!  
Leia: Lando system?

Han: No, weirdo, it's my friend! He's a scoundrel, you'll like him. Hehe.

Back on Degobah, Luke is feeling cold and irritable.

Luke: Something's wrong, I'm going into the cave.  
Yoda: Leave your weapons.

Luke: No.

He walks in and Darth Vader approaches. We all think that it's real, and when Luke kills him we assume the move is over, happy ending! But no, suddenly, Luke's head appears in Vader's helmet, in a freaky Force manipulation of events. Our first hint, and Luke's, though he really doesn't get it at all.

Anakin: That's so weird!

Padme: Yeah…

Anakin: Why is Luke's head in there?

Padme: Creepy…

They now are arriving in cloud city. Han gets permission to land, and out comes Lando, accompanied by his weird friend with mechanical ears.

Lando: I hate you…hehe just kidding! I love you! Oolala, and what have we here?

He stupidly kisses Leia's hand.

Leia: Forget it.

Han possessively grabs Leia's hand. Lando is all businesslike, leading them through the city. He takes them to a pretty room, but not before 3PO manages to get himself blown to bits by weird little talking gophers. Chewy, luckily, is there to save the day, and collects his pieces. Lando promises to have the hyperdrive fixed.

Luke balances on his thumb, really proud of himself, while he holds some rocks in the air.

Anakin: We did that when we were ten.

Padme: Oh Anakin honestly, you don't have to be so competitive.

Anakin: Whatever.

Luke: Bad images! Eek! Suffering! Leia's in trouble, damn I have to save her she's the only woman that ever payed any attention to me!

Yoda: No, go now you musn't or die you all will!

Luke: Too bad, I'm going, see you later. (He then turns really serious to show his 'maturity') I will come back. I promise.

Back in Cloud city, Chewie bursts in on an almost intimate moment with Han and Leia, with 3PO's pieces. 3PO, even when not whole, has managed to ruin the moment _again_.

Leia: Oh no, what happened. I hate this place, even though it's pretty.

Han: Don't worry, Lando will have him fixed.

Leia: I don't _trust_ Lando, boohoo!

Han: eh, I don't trust him either. But what're ya gonna do?

Lando comes in, totally checking out Leia, and Han again grabs her possessively.

Lando: I'm not, erm, interrupting anything am I, hehe. Leia belongs among the clouds by the way.

Han: no, and the droid's fine too. What's up?

Lando: Tea? All of us? Pretty please?

Han: yeah ok.

They walk through the halls, and Lando tells them about his business, even though he knows that he is leading them towards torture and punishment.

Leia: And the empire doesn't bother you?

Lando gets really nervous and sweaty.

Lando: Erm… no not at all, empire who?

He opens a door and there's Vader… uh oh!

Lando: Sorry, I had no choice, he just got here, haha, coincidence, no?

Leia: I HATE IT HERE!

Han takes out his blaster, but Vader grabs it across the table with the Force with lightning speed.

Anakin: Now, _that_ guy is good. See, he knows what he's doing.

Padme: Anakin, he's evil.

Anakin: Whatever, I appreciate talent, all right?

Ben: Luke don't go!

Yoda: Please?

Luke: I'm going.

Ben: But we can't help you there, oh you are totally going to die. Why do I keep messing these Skywalkers up?

Luke leaves.

Ben: Damn, he was our last hope!

Yoda: No, there is another. (Turning point for this movie drama wise… who is the other? Hmmm, wonders the first time audience.)

Back in Cloud City, some serious suffering is going on. Han is lowering on to some hot needles. What exactly the device is is completely unclear.

Han: hot hot hot hot owwwwwwwww!

Lando: Um… I probably shouldn't have made this deal.

Chewy gets tortured with some noise. Leia apparently doesn't get tortured, who knows why. Han comes into the cell where Leia waits for him. He stumbles around, hoping for some serious Leia sympathy, and she delivers, hugging him and laying him down. Secretly, he's fine, but he likes the attention. Chewy, meanwhile, adjusts a complaining 3PO, who's completely ungrateful even though Chewy is putting him back together.

Leia: Why are they doing this?

Han: I don't know, they didn't even ask any questions! What _could_ it be?

Lando: I CAN ANSWER IT! IVE COME TO SAVE THE DAY! They want someone named um, atmosphere rambler…. Um…

Han: what the hell?

Lando: SKYWALKER!

Leia: LUKE OH NO!

Han: Damn, she's thinking about him again?

Leia: We're bait! Oh no! Must warn him!

Han hits Lando, but he still doesn't get why Luke's so important. Lando slinks away.

Anakin: hehe, my genes are so important!

Padme: oh please.

Vader: Awesome carbon freeze room. I especially love the dark and scary atmosphere, I think it fits my personality well…

Imperial: X-Wing coming!

Vader: Good, make sure he gets in here. Oh, and uh… lets test this thing out on uh… that guy, solo.

Imperial: Yes my Lord!

Boba Fett: (Whining) but I need him alive!

Vader: For the millionth time, he will be.

Han and Leia and Chewy are brought in, 3PO riding in a little pouch on Chewy's back. Chewy is really not very happy about this.

Lando: Um… hehe… it looks like uh, well… you might be umm…

Han: (sharply) What?

Lando: Put into carbon freeze?

Leia: NOO!

Han: it will be ok!

Chewy tries to kill some guys.

Han: No, protect Leia!

Han kisses her and he gets tugged away from her.

Leia: I love you!

Han: I know.

Leia: How rude!

Han dramatically looks very pained as he gets frozen, and Leia makes her sad face so Lando sees how mean he was.

Important guy: he's alive. You can take him now.

Boba Fett eagerly takes him away.

Luke enters, running around trying to be all Jedi like and sneaky. However, he seriously messes up when he shoots at Boba Fett and the troopers who have Han. Suddenly, Leia and Chewy are pushed along.

Leia: IT'S A TRAP! NO! A TRAP! LUKE! NOOOO!

Luke, paying no heed at all to what she told him, completely ignoring her warning, plunges headlong into the trap. Maybe if he'd listened to his sister he'd still have his arm. He meets Vader in the carbon freeze chamber, and they begin a fairly slow moving light saber fight.

Vader: You're not a Jedi yet, you know.

Luke: But I'm strong in the force, Benny told me!

Vader: I think I'll toy with you for a while.

Anakin: (yawns) This is boring. They seriously need to learn how to fight. If I were there, I would have killed both of them by now.

Padme: Anakin! Why would you have killed Luke!

Anakin: He's so annoying Padme, seriously. All right, all right, I wouldn't kill him

Padme: Good.

Chewy strangles Lando because he keeps pronouncing Han like the it's pronounced in the word hand, and not like Hahn, the very much more sophisticated way that it's supposed to be pronounced. Lando, not helping matters, continues to say han over and over.

Leia: I think he's saying Han!

Chewy: Rawr! (Translation: No kidding! Fine I'll release him)

Lando and his men stage a pathetic attempt to redeem themselves, and mechanical-ears points his fingers around importantly. They run off, again three people managing to hold off tons of storm troopers, and find R2. They get to a platform just in time to see Boba Fett take off, then run around until they get to the falcon. 3PO stupidly tells R2 to open the door in a power source, not a computer terminal, and poor R2 gets fried. However, they manage to get away.

Luke now cowers in front of Vader, who got bored toying with him and started to fight a little better, on a long bridge hanging over a huge open space.

Vader: join me!

Luke: Never! I am a Jedi like my daddy, I won't join you, I have to be like him!

Vader: Haha, ironic. Come on, please join us? Obi Wan knew it was your destiny.

Luke: Never! Never! Never!

Vader: Fine, I guess I have to use the last resort. (He cuts off Luke's arm)

Luke: AUUUUUUUGHHHH! (His face gets all twisted and intense, and he flops around at the edge of the bridge.)

Anakin: How dare he! Hey, Luke's like me now!

He wiggles his mechanical fingers.

Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: (His face still all twisted up) He told me enough! He told me you killed him.

Vader: No. _I_ am your father.

Luke: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Anakin: No, I'm his father, stupid!

Padme: Uh-oh, I think I see where this is going…

Anakin: Somebody stole my identity?  
Padme: Um… sure…

Vader: You know it to be true, search your feelings, Luke.

Luke: (searches) Um, ok maybe.

Vader: Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son!

Anakin: That might be kind of fun!

Luke: I'll never join you!

He drops off of the bridge dramatically, and slides down a long metal shaft.

Luke: Wheeee!

He falls out of a hole at apparently the bottom of the universe, and hangs onto an upside down tv antenna.

Luke: Leia… Leia…Leia…

Leia: (Importantly) I know where Luke is!

Lando: Weird…

Leia: Turn back!

Lando: Are you crazy?

Leia: CHEWY DO IT!  
Chewy does, not wanting to mess with Leia when she's this moody. They go, and sure enough something is dangling off of an upside down tv antenna under the city. They bring him in, and his arm gets treated as Leia again gets rather touchy feely with her brother.

Anakin: Hey, his new hand is way cooler than mine! It has skin and everything!

Padme: Actually, that's sort of creepy, in a way. I like yours.

Anakin: Good. (He looks at her suggestively)

Padme: Not now Anakin, we have to finish the movie.

Anakin pouts.

Lando: We'll be ok cuz my men fixed the hyperdrive.

The hyperdrive fails.

Lando: Um…ok… sorry again.

They do escape, and go back to the nice safe Rebel ship. Lando and Chewy embark on a mission to try to save Han, and Leia and Luke stand nobly with 3PO and R2 as Luke convalesces with his new hand. They smile and look important, apparently having forgotten about poor Han.

Anakin: It's over!  
Padme: yes…

Anakin: So who's the dude who stole my identity, that pisses me off… and he kills me too, to steal it! I'm going to definitely have to be on the lookout… I'm confused though I thought no one could beat me, how could I get killed?

Padme: Um… let's just… watch the next one.

Anakin: Aw man… I mean um… yeah ok, woohoo for the kids…


End file.
